Honorable Minister of Nothing: “Just Appoint Me, I’m Loyal”
Welcome to Nigeria — where ministerial appointments are not about qualifications, but compensation.
You supported the President? Take a ministry.
You insulted the opposition well on Twitter? Collect an appointment.
You delivered your ward? Even if your state failed WAEC, you qualify.
They call it cabinet reshuffle; but it’s really just political reward sharing ceremony with agbada and microphones.
When they say “we are looking for competent hands,” don’t laugh — they are not. What they are really looking for are:
- Political loyalists and jobbers who can kneel down stylishly.
- Godfather-approved praise-singers.
- “Elders” who failed as governors but must not be jobless.
Let’s expose the madness.
You have:
- A Minister of Youth who looks like he was already paying taxes during the Biafran genocide — yet he’s in charge of TikTok generation policies.
- A Minister of Health who flies abroad for headache.
- A Minister of Agriculture who thinks “irrigation” is a type of dance move.
- A Minister of Innovation who still uses Yahoo Mail.
These “Honorables” attend meetings, read speeches they didn’t write, launch empty slogans like “Vision 2060: The Future Is Tomorrow”, and then disappear — only to resurface in election season with new Ankara and fake empowerment programs.
Meanwhile, their CVs are legendary:
- Former LGA Chairman (twice suspended for missing files)
- Former Special Assistant to the Personal Assistant of the Deputy Governor
- Chairman, Zonal Committee on Borehole Monitoring (North-Central)
- Member, WhatsApp Group for Presidential Mobilization (Wadata Branch)
But once appointed? They become “His Excellency, Honorable Technocrat of Transformation.”
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The job is simple:
- Announce “we are working.”
- Fly to Dubai for a “strategic retreat.”
- Post blurry photos with hashtags like #MovingForward #RenewedAgenda #NextLevelReloaded.
And if someone dares ask what they’ve actually done, the reply is always:
“We inherited a broken system. We are laying foundation.”
Sir, you’ve been laying foundation for four years — what are you building, the Tower of Babel?
Now let’s talk about loyalty. These men are not loyal to Nigeria. They are loyal to who fed them last. If tomorrow their godfather joins the opposition, they will follow, quote Ecclesiastes, and claim their “spirit no longer aligns.”
Even when they’re caught on camera mismanaging funds, the punishment is never jail. It’s either:
- A promotion,
- Re-assignment to another ministry, or
- An appointment to chair one obscure parastatal like “National Committee on Cassava Innovation and International Peace.”
No shame. No consequence. No problem.
Some of them don’t even show up to the office. Staff in their ministry don’t know their face. Their last “achievement” was commissioning a solar-powered toilet in their village — with full media coverage and ribbon-cutting.
And when the administration ends, they go on TV to declare:
“I did my best. History will judge me.”
Yes, history will judge you. And it will not be kind.
Because you were Minister of Nothing, loyal to nobody but yourself, appointed not to serve but to share.
Professor MarkAnthony Ujunwa Nze is a distinguished Nigerian-born investigative journalist, public intellectual, and global governance analyst, whose work spans critical intersections of media, law, and policy. His expertise extends across strategic management, leadership, and international business law, where he brings a nuanced understanding of institutional dynamics, cross-border legal frameworks, and executive decision-making in complex global environments.
Currently based in New York, Professor Nze serves as a full tenured professor at the New York Centre for Advanced Research. There, he spearheads interdisciplinary research at the forefront of governance innovation, corporate strategy, and geopolitical risk. Widely respected for his intellectual rigor and principled advocacy, he remains a vital voice in shaping ethical leadership and sustainable governance across emerging and established democracies.