Grand Adviser of All Things and Nothing: “Consult Me, I Know Everything!”
Welcome to Nigeria — the land where advisers multiply faster than problems, and yet solve absolutely nothing. Here, being an adviser is not a job; it is a lifestyle of nodding, clapping, and saying “Your Excellency, you are a genius!” even when His Excellency just asked if Bitcoin is a new brand of cement.
How do you secure this lucrative advisory gig? Simple:
- Become a professional praise singer with a PhD in Flattery and a minor in Bootlicking.
- Master the art of saying “This is a brilliant policy!” before even reading the policy.
- Know someone who knows someone who once fetched water for a godfather during campaign season.
Nigeria’s advisers come in different flavors:
– Special Adviser on Technology who still asks his PA to print out his emails.
– Senior Adviser on Youth Affairs who thinks Facebook is the hottest new app.
– Adviser on Agriculture who believes a tractor is a type of insect.
– Adviser on International Relations who thinks the United Nations is a football club.
Once appointed, these “experts” experience immediate transformation:
– Twitter bio updated to include big words like “Strategist,” “Visionary,” and “Global Thinker.”
– Instant wardrobe upgrade to flowing agbadas that double as parachutes.
– A sudden fake foreign accent that confuses even themselves.
Their actual duties? Ah, you overestimate them. They specialize in:
- Attending endless retreats where the only tangible outcome is buffet-induced sleepiness.
- Issuing long statements about “robust frameworks for sustainable synergy.”
- Traveling abroad for “policy benchmarking” that is basically shopping sprees with estacode.
When questioned about the economy, their favorite line is:
“We are working tirelessly to build foundational structures.”
Foundations so eternal that even archaeologists in the year 3025 will still be asking what was being built.
Loyalty? These advisers are loyal only to who signs their allowances. Today they are loyalists; tomorrow they are opposition activists, quoting proverbs about following the will of the people.
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Failure is never punished. In fact, failure is the fastest route to promotion — from Adviser to Senior Adviser to Super Adviser to Minister of Whatever Remains.
Some advisers have never entered their offices. Their staff only recognize them from official portraits hung beside broken wall clocks. The last time they “worked,” they launched an initiative called “Empowerment for the Already Empowered.”
When tenure ends, they face the cameras and declare with dramatic seriousness:
“I gave my all. History will vindicate me.”
History will not. It will roll on the floor laughing.
Because you were Adviser of All Things, knower of nothing, lover of titles, enemy of substance — appointed not to think, but to agree.
Professor MarkAnthony Ujunwa Nze is a distinguished Nigerian-born investigative journalist, public intellectual, and global governance analyst, whose work spans critical intersections of media, law, and policy. His expertise extends across strategic management, leadership, and international business law, where he brings a nuanced understanding of institutional dynamics, cross-border legal frameworks, and executive decision-making in complex global environments.
Currently based in New York, Professor Nze serves as a full tenured professor at the New York Centre for Advanced Research. There, he spearheads interdisciplinary research at the forefront of governance innovation, corporate strategy, and geopolitical risk. Widely respected for his intellectual rigor and principled advocacy, he remains a vital voice in shaping ethical leadership and sustainable governance across emerging and established democracies.