The State of the Nation Address — Powered by Gen, Written by Interns, and Proofread by Ghosts
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Nigeria, the only country where the State of the Nation Address is a national ritual performed with the same sincerity as a Nollywood pastor fighting marine spirit.
Once a year (or when IMF officials are in town), the President emerges — looking presidential, reading presidentially, and saying absolutely nothing with a confidence only available to those who don’t buy fuel with their own salary.
The broadcast starts at 7 PM. NTA is live. Aso Rock generator is humming like a stressed choir mistress. The internet is buffering. The President adjusts his agbada. You expect fire. But what you get is premium babble marinated in committee grammar.
He starts with:
“Fellow Nigerians, I bring you greetings in this critical time of our nation’s strategic transformation.”
Translation: Omo, everybody is suffering but let me confuse you first.
From there, it’s a glorious descent into glorious nonsense. The speech — written by two NYSC interns on data borrowed from the VP’s Wi-Fi — contains all the classic hits:
- “We are tackling insecurity with renewed zeal” → Translation: We’ve added prayers and reshuffled the Army’s WhatsApp group.
- “The economy is bouncing back” → Yes, bouncing like a bad cheque.
- “We have empowered the youth” → By giving three of them laptops with no chargers.
- “We’ve made gains in power” → Which explains why NEPA took light during this speech.
And of course, the holy benediction:
“We are not where we used to be.”
Correct sir. Before, we were poor. Now we are poor, angry, cashless, fuel-less and applying for asylum in Ghana.
What makes it worse? The audio keeps cracking. You can’t tell if it’s poor mic quality or the heavens protesting.
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Meanwhile, the Presidential Villa itself is running on generator — the Ministry of Power long gave up and switched to inverter. The only light guaranteed is from the camera flash of the media team, who will later caption this nonsense with:
“President delivers powerful address, outlines bold roadmap.”
Roadmap to where? Even Google Maps is confused.
And the best part? Nobody takes questions.
Why? Because it’s not a press conference, it’s a national monologue.
The aides sit and clap as if they understand, while behind the scenes:
- The fuel voucher for the gen has expired.
- The speechproofing team is googling “exit plans from public service.”
- The Minister of Finance is editing the speech live because the budget figure mentioned is from last year.
But don’t worry. After the address, Arise TV and NTA will host “analysts” who will break down the speech like it’s scripture:
- “He’s redefining the economic trajectory.”
- “It was a speech of unity and hope.”
- “The President spoke like a statesman.”
Rubbish. All of them collected honorarium and chicken pie.
Because here’s the real State of the Nation:
- Petrol is ₦900 per liter.
- Electricity is a rumor.
- Food prices are higher than the budget deficit.
- And hope is now sold in sachet.
So next time the President says:
“We are on the path to greatness…”
Tell him: “Oga, your convoy passed greatness 16 toll gates ago and didn’t stop.”
Professor MarkAnthony Ujunwa Nze is a distinguished Nigerian-born investigative journalist, public intellectual, and global governance analyst, whose work spans critical intersections of media, law, and policy. His expertise extends across strategic management, leadership, and international business law, where he brings a nuanced understanding of institutional dynamics, cross-border legal frameworks, and executive decision-making in complex global environments.
Currently based in New York, Professor Nze serves as a full tenured professor at the New York Centre for Advanced Research. There, he spearheads interdisciplinary research at the forefront of governance innovation, corporate strategy, and geopolitical risk. Widely respected for his intellectual rigor and principled advocacy, he remains a vital voice in shaping ethical leadership and sustainable governance across emerging and established democracies.