The National Cake — How They Shared It, Ate It, and Left You with the Empty Plate and Dirty Spoon
In most countries, “cake” is a dessert. In Nigeria, it’s a national asset, a political ambition, and a birthright for the ruling class. They don’t say “serve the people”; they say, “share the cake.”
The cake, of course, is not a real cake. It’s our commonwealth, oil money, debt proceeds, taxes, and the entire budget padded with vibes and “constituency projects.”
But when they say “National Cake,” they say it with the same excitement a child uses to scream “birthday!” Except in this party, only the politicians are invited, and the citizens are outside the hall, begging the caterer for leftover crumbs.
Let’s expose the recipe.
Step 1: Preheat The Budget
The National Assembly inflates the budget with everything from:
- ₦400 million for “youth storytelling festival” in a state with no library,
- ₦2 billion for “digital farming app” (developed in Excel),
- ₦850 million to “investigate low voter turnout in 1979 elections.”
Step 2: Grease The Contractors
Once inflated, the cake is sliced into juicy contracts, awarded to:
- Cousins,
- Wives using maiden names,
- Or shelf companies registered two weeks ago with addresses like “Behind Mama Chinedu’s Kiosk, Garki.”
Actual delivery? 0.
But mobilization fees? Cleared in 24 hours.
Step 3: Icing of Media Packaging
Now they call a press conference:
“We are empowering Nigerians with ₦70k starter packs!”
Cue:
- Rented crowd,
- DJ playing “Buga,”
- Media crew filming empty boxes labeled “Transformational Initiative 2024.”
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One old woman gets a sewing machine, no thread. Another receives 1 bag of rice for a 4-year policy rollout. Everybody claps. The minister dances shakara.
Step 4: Time To Chop
The real cake? Eaten at the top.
- One senator gets ₦1 billion to “construct erosion control gutter” in Sokoto desert.
- The First Lady launches ₦750 million “Clean Girls Initiative” and gives out three handkerchiefs.
- A DG builds a ₦300 million “office complex” with no roof but full AC budget.
Meanwhile, you — the citizens, are given:
- A branded jotter,
- A bottle of water,
- And motivational quotes like “Your future is bright” while PHCN is off.
Step 5: Clear The Evidence
By next quarter:
- The “project” has vanished.
- The contractor has relocated to Canada.
- The ministry says, “records were lost in a fire.”
And EFCC? They’ll “invite” someone in 2029.
Let’s be honest: Nigeria doesn’t have a corruption problem — we have a “National Cake Distribution Culture.” Corruption is now institutionalized catering.
And when a new government enters, do they stop the feast? No. They simply say:
“We inherited an empty bakery.”
And proceed to bake a new one with another ₦2 trillion loan.
Citizens? We’re still holding dirty plastic spoons, staring at the cake tray, wondering how we’re in a democracy where votes expire, but political hunger doesn’t.
Professor MarkAnthony Ujunwa Nze is a distinguished Nigerian-born investigative journalist, public intellectual, and global governance analyst, whose work spans critical intersections of media, law, and policy. His expertise extends across strategic management, leadership, and international business law, where he brings a nuanced understanding of institutional dynamics, cross-border legal frameworks, and executive decision-making in complex global environments.
Currently based in New York, Professor Nze serves as a full tenured professor at the New York Centre for Advanced Research. There, he spearheads interdisciplinary research at the forefront of governance innovation, corporate strategy, and geopolitical risk. Widely respected for his intellectual rigor and principled advocacy, he remains a vital voice in shaping ethical leadership and sustainable governance across emerging and established democracies.