The Grand Finale – How to Survive a Country That Eats Its Best and Elects Its Worst
In some countries, failure in governance results in resignations, criminal investigations, and public shame.
In Nigeria?
It results in promotion, chieftaincy titles, and a federal appointment “in appreciation of years of dedicated looting.”
Let’s call it what it is: we are ruled by the leftovers of expired ambition — political ancestors who failed in 1983 and are still failing forward in 2025.
Here, the brighter you shine, the faster the system smothers you. Show competence and they’ll label you a threat. Show results and they’ll transfer you to a ministry that doesn’t exist. But fumble well —strategically, and you’ll become “Senior Adviser on National Strategy.”
We live in a country where:
- Professors queue to be returning officers for criminals,
- Youths with first-class degrees drive Bolt for ex-councilors who can’t spell “council”,
- And lawmakers still think Wi-Fi is a new brand of Toyota.
And the citizens? We’ve been gaslit into thinking survival is patriotism. That dodging potholes and blackouts is a form of national service. That enduring is a virtue. No — it’s trauma bonding.
We’re stuck in a cycle where:
- They promise heaven.
- They deliver hunger.
- We complain.
- They say “go and get your PVC.”
- We vote.
- They rig.
- We pray.
Repeat.
Election season is their Super Bowl. Suddenly:
- Rice rains from the sky,
- ATM cards are replaced with ₦1,000 notes,
- And a man who hasn’t stepped in his village since 2003 returns “to feel the pulse of the people.”
They empower you with okadas and face caps, then use private jets to attend empowerment programs.
They ask youths to “take responsibility” in a system designed to exclude them — unless you’re the nephew of someone who stole ₦2 billion and was pardoned “on compassionate grounds.”
You want to be the change? They’ll mock your age, accuse you of inexperience, and remind you that “politics is not social media.”
And when you protest? They send police with rubber bullets and real brutality. They freeze your account, arrest your conscience, and blame you for seeking dignity.
Read also: Jumping Like WiFi Since 1999: A Satirical Series—Part 14
But here’s the thing:
We are not hopeless.
Nigeria is not beyond redemption — it’s just being held hostage by a mafia with microphones. And the real revolution? It won’t come with gunpowder. It will come with clarity, courage, and consistency.
Not everyone will Japa, and not all of us must. There are those who have chosen, not by comfort but by conviction, to remain — to mend what is broken, to sow where others have fled. And to those who have journeyed afar, do not forget others. To those who’ve left, your escape isn’t betrayal — but your silence might be. If you’ve gone, don’t vanish. Support those who stayed to fix what you fled. Nation-building is a shared burden, not a one-location project.
And if we must stay, we must not normalize madness.
We must hold power to account — on paper, on camera, in satire, in courts, and on ballots.
So yes — laugh. Mock. Expose. Don’t vote if Nigeria is not restructured. Repeat.
Because if we don’t, this same generation of accidental millionaires and professional inaugurators will hand over to their children — and the National Cake will become family property.
So, dear Nigerian,
Survive. Speak. Write. Drag. Educate. Resist.
Because this country won’t fix itself.
And the worst tragedy isn’t bad leadership — it’s silence from good people.
This is not just the end of a satire series.
It’s a warning.
Let the foolishness end with us — not continue through us.
Professor MarkAnthony Ujunwa Nze is a distinguished Nigerian-born investigative journalist, public intellectual, and global governance analyst, whose work spans critical intersections of media, law, and policy. His expertise extends across strategic management, leadership, and international business law, where he brings a nuanced understanding of institutional dynamics, cross-border legal frameworks, and executive decision-making in complex global environments.
Currently based in New York, Professor Nze serves as a full tenured professor at the New York Centre for Advanced Research. There, he spearheads interdisciplinary research at the forefront of governance innovation, corporate strategy, and geopolitical risk. Widely respected for his intellectual rigor and principled advocacy, he remains a vital voice in shaping ethical leadership and sustainable governance across emerging and established democracies.