From Dancing While Nigeria Drowns
There are countries where money is a means of exchange. Then there is Nigeria—where money is a meme. A running joke told at the black market, whispered at petrol stations, and wept over in grocery stores.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Naira: a currency so unstable, it needs therapy. A note so disrespected, even beggars now ask, “You no get dollar?”
This is the Currency of the Clueless.
At the time of writing this dispatch, one dollar can buy you nearly ₦2,000. Tomorrow? ₦2,300. Next week? Maybe a bag of sachet water for one dollar and your firstborn child for change.
The Central Bank holds weekly press briefings to explain why the Naira is falling like a drunk at a wedding. They blame “market volatility,” “global conditions,” and “saboteurs.” But we all know the truth: the economy is in the hands of men who couldn’t run a barber shop without owing NEPA.
The current Governor of the Central Bank—let’s call him Dr. Spreadsheet—once said, “Our goal is exchange rate stability.” Since then, the only thing stable has been the public’s confusion. One week, they redesign the currency. Next week, they remove subsidy. The week after that, they reintroduce the same subsidy under a different name—like a bad Nollywood reboot.
But let’s not be too hard on the CBN. After all, how do you stabilize a currency when the only thing backing it is vibes and government denial?
Look at our inflation rates—so high, they need a ladder to descend. Food prices now change like fuel meters. A pack of spaghetti is approaching ₦2,000 but your salary has remained where it was since Goodluck Jonathan still had hope. Tomatoes are now sold like contraband. Bread has become a luxury item. And if you still eat chicken regularly in this economy, just know you’re either a politician or dangerously unserious.
Meanwhile, the government releases another “economic blueprint.” A 200-page PDF file nobody reads, filled with graphs that look like PowerPoint abuse and phrases like “macroeconomic recalibration,” which really means “we’re winging it, but it sounds technical.”
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They love the sound of “GDP growth,” even if it means nothing to the woman selling akara who just realized groundnut oil is now a luxury commodity. They celebrate “fiscal tightening” while lawmakers still allocate ₦200 billion for SUVs and fact-finding missions to Dubai.
And when they’re not giving press conferences, they’re giving excuses.
“We inherited a bad economy.”
“There is no money in the treasury.”
“Global inflation is affecting us.”
But somehow, there’s always money for bulletproof Lexus. Always room in the budget for new jets. Always funds for jamborees and “stakeholder engagement” in Geneva.
Let’s not forget the “floating” Naira—yes, it’s floating, but like a corpse in floodwater. They said it would attract foreign investors. What it attracted was foreign pity. Today, multinationals are exiting like tenants evicted by generator noise. Shops are closing. Youth are japa-ing faster than you can say “No employment opportunities.”
Yet, the Minister of Finance tweets, “The economy is on the right path.”
Yes Sir. The path to the mortuary.
This is not an economy—it’s a crime scene.
And at the heart of it is a clueless elite class that thinks throwing slogans at the problem will solve it. One day it’s “Renewed Hope.” The next, “Economic Rebirth.” The only thing renewing is suffering. The only thing being reborn is hardship in designer suits.
And you, the average citizen, are left holding worthless notes with faces of men who died believing they were building a future. Imagine Zik or Awo resurrecting to see the ₦500 note now buys pure water and regret.
So what do we do?
Some say Bitcoin. Others say Japa. Most just pray that the next regime won’t need to print ₦10,000 notes just to pay minimum wage.
But while we wait for solutions that never come, one thing is clear: in a country where money is funny, hunger becomes serious.
Professor MarkAnthony Ujunwa Nze is a distinguished Nigerian-born investigative journalist, public intellectual, and global governance analyst, whose work spans critical intersections of media, law, and policy. His expertise extends across strategic management, leadership, and international business law, where he brings a nuanced understanding of institutional dynamics, cross-border legal frameworks, and executive decision-making in complex global environments.
Currently based in New York, Professor Nze serves as a full tenured professor at the New York Centre for Advanced Research. There, he spearheads interdisciplinary research at the forefront of governance innovation, corporate strategy, and geopolitical risk. Widely respected for his intellectual rigor and principled advocacy, he remains a vital voice in shaping ethical leadership and sustainable governance across emerging and established democracies.