People marry the wrong persons all of the time. You probably know a couple that should not be together. You see them and wonder what brought them together in the first place. You begin to imagine how they live and go through life together.
So, it can be surprising to see many people who are clearly incompatible or unhappy decide to get married and enter into marriage. It’s not like they have to get married but for reasons best known to them, they decide to commit to the wring people for life.
While it is clear that not everybody is emotionally stable, independent and secure to be married, it is important to understand why some people marry the wrong persons.
Sometimes, people marry the wrong person just to prove they can commit to someone. If some-one has always had commitment issues, and is chastised by their friends and family for being such a flighty person who just can’t seem to stick with somebody, they may get married, just to prove everyone wrong.
If someone is feeling unsure about their relationship, their partner can sense that, but they still don’t want to lose this relationship, they may get married to this person just to prove that they are committed to this person. Sometimes, someone marries a person they have been stringing along, because they threatened to leave.
Some people marry the wrong persons who are wrong for them for a sense of safety. Maybe some-one keeps choosing the wrong type of partner and has a tendency to date individuals, who are not good for them—who maybe are not responsible, kind, or stable.
They get so tired of the way those relationships fail over and over again that they cling onto the first stable person who comes their way, and get hooked. But, they don’t treat the real issue which is why are they attracted to toxic partners? If they don’t address that, they will likely stray from the marriage.
Some people get married just to escape religion. Religion can be a very powerful presence in some-one’s life, and that can be a good thing or a bad thing. In some cases, one’s religious community can put stress on an individual’s personal life, and put a lot of pressure on them to marry one way or live one way. This person may marry some- one from an entirely different reli- gion, just to get out.
This one is a common thing. Men and women sometimes get married just to escape their family’s constant pressure to settle down or and to escape their toxic behaviour. I know some people who got married just to stop answering questions about getting married and having children that they end up with the wrong partner.
Financial stability can be a seri- ous reason why some people marry the wrong partner. If someone has struggled for much of his or her life—perhaps they grew up broke, in a family who had to work too hard to barely put enough food on the table, they may make a spouse choice out of fear. People can get very tired of just worrying about keeping a roof over their head.
Some people marry the wrong persons just to escape from heartache. In the ultimate rebound of all time, some people marry the wrong person in a terrible attempt to get over somebody else.
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It is bad when someone just dates or sleeps with one person, leading them on, while they are still crying after someone else. Marrying the wrong person to get over somebody else is ruining your life. You need time to heal from a heart break and not complicate another person’s life by getting married to them.
Sometimes, somebody gets pregnant with the baby of some- one she slept with once or dated for a few months and broke up with. Unfortunately, marrying the wrong person for the baby may not be the best solution, and the child may grow up in a house with two parents who have no connection or who just tolerate each other for the sake of their child.
Joining the married people club is one of the reasons some people get married to the wrong person. Some people carve the lifestyle of closely knitted married couples that they do everything they can just to belong to this club.
Avoiding another goal is another reason some men and women end up with persons not good for them. They throw themselves into differ- ent projects in order to avoid higher goals. It’s quite common for some-one to get married so that marriage can be their project instead of their career, fixing things with their family, their own personal work and healing.
Sometimes, people get married because they feel it is time to do so. You meet a woman who is being treated like crap by a man who clearly doesn’t love her and she tells you that after dating him for four years, the next thing to do is get married.
And you wonder if this person understands what it entails to get married and why they want to condemn themselves to a life of misery because of the number of years they have spent with the wrong person.
Some people just get married because they feel that is what they have do at that time and not because they are compatible with their partners. This is not a good reason to get married and women are the greatest culprit when it comes to counting how many years they have spent with a man.
While marrying someone because you have spent some number of years with them may not be a marriage between two incompatible people; rushing things this way can make the relationship fall apart.
Being single can be exhilarat- ing and liberating. It can also be very sad sometimes and lonely. You have to go on so many bad first dates before you can possibly find someone to be vulnerable and enjoy life with which is what many people really want to do. Some people get married just so they can stop dating.
Often, two people get married because they don’t have any good reason not to. Sadly, they also don’t have any good reason to, which should be the actual driving factor. But they have been together for a while, they have their rhythm, and they believe they could be happy enough.
Some people marry the wrong persons because they are trying to discipline themselves and appear responsible to themselves and their families. Getting married is a huge responsibility.
Some people who have always struggled with being responsible may get married as a way of trying to force themselves to become more disciplined. But, sadly, marriage probably can’t fix that. That change has to come from within.
Re: Why Ladies ladies should aspire for success before marriage
KATE, you really hit the nail on the head with your latest article. Keep on telling parents how to raise their girls well. We have seen a lot of being treated badly by men because these women lack financial power.
-Onuoha Onyinye, Lagos
Kate, I salute your unperturbed posture in the pen profession. You are redefining marriage relationships and liberating young ladies from the bondage of unyielding people and their primitive practices.
Although the preamble of last week’s piece started on a rather blunt and harsh tone but I understand why. In this clime, we need hard knocks for the message to sink well. Thanks to
God, my two adorable daughters are already being trained in consonance with present-day reality which is to be holisti- cally independent before and during their marriage. Purpose before partner is key and staying self reliance crucial.
-Pastor Stephen, Abuja
Kate, do not mix marriage with success. Female success is very good but having a respectable man as complement is excellent just as a successful man without a complementing woman is dishonorable.
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It is necessary for woman be successful before talking about marriage so she will not be liability to man that will marry her. The era when men married sit-at-home wives is over. In this 21st Century, women must be up and doing in their careers or businesses so that they can help men build solid families.
-Chika Nnorom, Umuka- bia
What level of success are you advocating for a woman before settling down? Marriage has
to be done within a reasonable time frame that allows both mental and physical develop- ment of men and women.
The issue is the way you placed emphasis on success for a young woman in your last write up got me thinking that you are addressing a section of the country where there is such a high expectations from the female child. I am the opinion that every parent should train their child or ward like a human being for the betterment of their own lives and the society at large regardless of gender.
What we consider as success in terms of material might not be lasting. We can suffer loss unexpectedly. Training and the strength of character is what we need to pick up the pieces in the event of losses.
Even if we push our daughter had the way you suggested, it is still not a guarantee for a crisis free life. No one can legislate how a couple should relate. We are all subject to the vagaries of life-rich or poor, success or failure, long life or short, kind partner or otherwise, fertility or barrenness.
All are almost totally beyond our control. Our duty is to prepare for the worst and stay focused. Believing that god will see us through.
-Femi Oni
Thanks Kate, everything you said is right. It was late Maryam Babangida that first promoted women careers through the better life program. I will like my daughter to be established by job, business or handwork and not to marry a man that is far too richer than her.
-Cletus Frenchman, Enugu
THE SUN, NIGERIA